Australia dishonoured

The first half of the summer break I spent ensconced in the Ashes. Having also made it to Perth, Brisbane and Adelaide, I dutifully voyaged to Melbourne for Boxing Day. Then, like the rest of the cricketing public, I was furious to be robbed of three blissful days on the couch when the Test concluded within two. Thankfully, the Sydney Test did not disappoint.

After that came a January week on a deck chair overlooking the Andaman Sea. This was my first trip to Thailand since attending the third wedding of Liberal Party powerbroker Michael Photios 15 years ago. That auspicious occasion was held at luxury Phuket resort Trisara – I recall misty-eyed – where I caused quite the stir by shoulder-charging newly elected New South Wales MP Gareth Ward into the pool fully clothed. It was a typically puerile method by which to settle a long-running Young Liberal score, but I was nevertheless early to the judgement that Ward was an objectionable individual. Having since been convicted of multiple sexual abuse offences, Kiama's favourite albino is currently serving a four-year custodial sentence at the Cessnock Correctional Centre – a far greater indignity, I presume, than Trisara's infinity pool.

As for Bangkok, its Four Seasons on the Chao Phraya River is unquestionably one of Asia's best city hotels. The breakfast spread alone brought tears to my eyes – to say nothing of its epic Chinese restaurant, Yu Ting Yuan.

Back in Melbourne last week for the thrilling Alcaraz-Zverev semi-final on Friday afternoon, I had phenomenal meals at Gimlet, Maison Bâtard and Marion Wine Bar, but have sworn that next trip I will finally try somewhere different.

I was hoping to run into Luke Sayers on Collins Street, yelling into his iPhone at least five inches from his face. Has anyone else noticed from the pap shots in the newspapers (here and here) his tendency to walk around town calling people on speaker phone? WTF is that about? It must be an alpha male power cue I've totally missed until now. It has an overpowering effect on AFL warlords and Melbourne's idle rich, causing them to nod involuntarily or reach for their cheque books. To your average Carlton fan, it just makes him look like a complete pillock. Can someone order Luke a pair of AirPods already?